Hidden in the nagging onslaught of suck that is “The D Train” is a really good scene: Oliver Lawless (James Marsden), the former high school stud who moved from Pittsburgh to L.A. to become an actor, approaches Dermot Mulroney (playing himself), who’s in a bar and being treated like royalty in ways you didn’t think Dermot Mulroney is treated in Los Angeles. Oliver talks to the star to impress Dan Landsman (Jack Black), a classmate of Oliver’s who clearly still worships him, except the stubbled ex-BMOC, who often seems like he’s nursing a permanent hangover, isn’t actually pals with Mulroney. The way Marsden converts Oliver from leader into loser, flipping comfort into shame, makes you wonder yet again why he doesn’t get better leading-man roles.
Outside of his performance, though, “The D Train” leaves out the “sym” in sympathetic. After concocting a pointless excuse to fly to L.A. for business, Dan attempts to persuade Oliver to come to their 20-year reunion, assuming that everyone else will RSVP in the affirmative once they hear which mega-popular dude has agreed to show. As if that weren’t depressing enough, Dan constantly tries tagging himself with nicknames like “D-man,” “D-fresh” and “D-nice.” He has the social skills of Paul Rudd in “I Love You, Man” but without the dopey appeal. The guy’s just awkward and sad, and Black’s feeble attempt to make Dan funny and relatably wounded should inspire the executive who felt the actor needed a comeback to call whomever he/she needs to and mutter, “Never mind.”
Equally annoying and contrived, “The D Train” is written and directed by Andrew Mogel and Jarrad Paul (the latter playing Kramer’s assistant in a “Seinfeld” episode a million years ago). Their idea of humor is Dan lying to prevent his boss (Jeffrey Tambor) from becoming technologically savvy and a running gag about how down-to-earth Dermot Mulroney is. (I know, enough about Mulroney, I agree.) Plus, there’s the whole thing about two main characters sleeping together that’s shoe-horned into the movie despite no one involved having any idea what to do with it.
There’s always material to be mined when it comes to people dealing with unrealized expectations and decades-old wounds that either haven’t healed or re-open as soon as a new experience reminds you of an adolescent one. But “The D Train” wastes Kathryn Hahn as Dan’s wife, wastes the fact that Landsman and Lawless are right next to each other in the yearbook, and wastes one of its only laughs as Dan calls a classmate about the reunion and, somewhat ironically, responds, “No, I don’t think I still suck.”
1.5 stars (out of four)
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